Wanting Someone You Can't Have

Wow. it feels like forever since I have been on this. So so so much has changed. It would take me yonks to explain everything. So I'll skip straight to now.

Right now I'm sat here on my laptop just feeling down in the dumps. Generally I am a happy person, but since about 3 hours ago I have been feeling down. Im not going into full details, because you'll all look at me like im crazy.

Basically, have you ever had that feeling where you really want something, but cant have it? So have I. What about wanting someone, but knowing you could never have them? That's what I am feeling right now. I mean, I knew it at the start, but I just cant stop thinking about it now. It's greatly frustrating, because there is nothing you can do. Me and my friend have the same problem, Im not even going in to details, its just embarrassing, and its not what you think it is. 'she likes someone and she cant get them because he's out of her league' it does involve a guy but there is so much more to it. I wish I could tell you, but it's to hard to explain. This though, this feeling is horrid. I wish for once, it would go right, but it won't. I cant have him due to the circumstances. Many circumstances, and it hurts. What is even the point in liking someone, knowing you can never have them. Unfortunetley it's easier said than done. You don't choose who you like, and it sucks because sometimes I wish I could turn off my feelings. This is the first person I have liked in ages, and no one can know because it's stupid. If you're reading this, you're probably jumping to conclusions about the circumstances.You'll never get it, so dont bother. It's fun laughing with my friend about him, and getting all excited when we see him, but I do look foward to the day where I just look at him like I look at everyone else, because then I wont feel like I do now. I dont even know if I should post this, it's nice to put your feelings down, but posting it to the world wont help any problems. Im still single, and that doesnt bother me too much, Im a picky person, so I rarely fancy people, so this is odd for me. It's gone from appriciating his attractiveness to obsession, which scares me. I scare myself sometimes.

Update :)

So havent posted in a while but I thought I just do a quick up date.
Not much different things have been going on apart from school. 19 days left guys! WOAHH. well okay, 19 days till study leave then after all my exams are over im done.
cannot wait for prom! going to be flipping awesome, I just need to lose some weight as I went to Spring Harvest at butlins down in minehead! was flipping amazing, but I ate tons of food and put on half a stone... woops!
ahh well, should lose it pretty quickly.
I really enjoyed Spring Harvest.
For those of you who dont know, its a Christian event. I really enjoyed my self, and it was extra wicked due to going with my best mate.
We'd go to this thing in the morning called 'iScape' which is aimed at 15-18 year olds. It was in two parts. The first part: we'd do some worship and have a talk and study the bible... It was really fun. The second half we'd do some group talks about different things in life. Family, different ways of worshiping, seeking God etc etc etc. After that I messed around with my mates there either going swimming or to the fair ground for free and go on all the rides. It was really fun. Then we'd have dinner and go to the night session of 'iScape' and do more worship and talks. Afterwards we'd eithe go late night swimming or meet with friends and mess about at the skyline or go and watch some acts like comedians or singers. One time me and my mate just played netball for a while which was nice.
I really loved it, and will definetley be going again.
The guy who led our worship is called Pete James. I bought his new album 'My Heart Is Singing Loud' which I love, he was amazing. Check him out!
Had a great time there, it was truly inspirational and helped me get back on track with God :)

When I got back it was school again, and here I am a week and a bit later. Bored as hell at school. haha, hope I do well in exams. Good luck to all peeps doing their exams. Hope you get good grades.
I cannot wait to go to college! :D

Attention Seekers.

What really annoys me is the attention seeking things girls do.

The most annoying of these is when uploading a picture to facebook, a lot of girls will put in the caption about how ugly they look.

All their friends then go:

"NO YOU'RE GORGEOUS!"
"Babe, you're beautiful!"
"Im so jealous of you, you're gorgeous!"

etc etc etc.

WHAT DON'T YOU IDIOTS UNDERSTAND?!

SHE IS ATTENTION SEEKING.
she likes the compliments, she uploads this over edited photo and tell everyone via the caption she is ugly so you'll put comments like that.

It pisses me off so much, because quite frankly, I dont give a fuck if you think your ugly or not. I just cant be arsed to see your attention seeking all over my facebook homepage. SHUT UP. GROW UP. AND SIT THE FUCK DOWN.

Excited

Okay, so rather excited!
Next week im off to Spring Harvest down at Butlins in Minehead :D I CANNOT WAIT. going with the bestie and her family, and I am also going to be seeing this dude who I havent seen in two years, tonight I found out he was going which is epic because we havent spoke in ages so It'll be amazing. Its a Christian event, and although Im a litte agnostic I do think it'll help and be really interesting.


Im rather happy at the moment. Life is going good. Been in to town like 3 or 4 times this week just to meet up with the same two people: Joe and Jess. Hahha, rather funny, and I spent some quality time with Joe (just me and him) which we havent done before. I've known him since october but it feels like i've known him years.


I also had my haircut yesterday and I was really pleased with the outcome. I feel like a different person! I am also changing styles: Im going chav atm with baggy clothing and snap back hats! 


I am enjoy things at the moment. And SUPER excited for next week!


HAPPY!

happy:)

aha, so yesterday went in to town and met up with some mates.... twas really good as I ended up going to sleep over at my mate's house, and I had no pyjamas which was rather funny but I stole her bed so i was comfy. I bought a pack of two toothbrushes. One had spongebob on, the other had patrick. I gave her the patrick toothbrush to show her she is my best friend! Cuz obviously patrick and spongebob are the best of friends. We messed around, and I probably had the most laughs with her I've ever had. In the morning we woke up and pulled some pretty funny faces which then proceeded to me pretending to be a velociraptor... which then she joined in with and well.... it was tres funny! Then she came over to where I lived and spent the day with me from 3 o clock onwards to about 9.30 at night and went home. I cant Wait until I go on holiday with her again.

I realised today how much of an amazing friend she is too me. How much she can cheer me up when I'm feeling down. How much she makes me laugh. How much I would hate to lose her. And how much she always sticks up for me. We have had a lot of experiences together and I'd definitely call her my best friend. Love her to pieces! <3

for the best.

sometimes, its better to tell the people in your life who treat you like shit to fuck off. You're much better off without them. Don't let anybody take you for granted or walk all over you. You're worth more than that. If you think nobody loves you, think again. There is atleast one person.... Me <3

Welcome to realisation: Your life isnt that bad.

Recentley, I met a new person. I really like her (in a friend way) I think she's really nice, but she has some problems... I dont mean mentally, because by golly she is so intelligent. But the thing is, I have known her little than a month and in that month I have been hurt by her about 4 times. Times like when we arrange meeting up and then she suddenley changes her mind and goes 'Im not going anymore' and it really really upsets me. I think its me who has done something wrong, but Im not sure because she suddenley say bye and goes. I practically beg her to tell me whats wrong, I even apologise when I havent done anything. It really hurts me inside, and I feel like crying. I dont cry often, it takes a lot to upset me. She constantly tells me how she wants to die. How no one cares. How every one leaves. But she doesnt realize its because she hurts the people who care about her. I can see how they feel now. I asked her what her problem was, and she went mad. No apologies, no reason for taking her bad mood out on me, no nothing. One minute she is fine the next she is moody. The next day she acts like nothing has happened. And I realized I was getting treated wrongly. I felt like a captive, begging for forgivness... why should a friendship be like that? Yesterday, she had another moment where she said she wasnt going to hang around with me. I got really upset, but tried to put it to the back of my mind while I hung out with my other mates. I saw her in town though, and because I knew she was upset I wanted to cheer her up. So I ran and hugged her, compeltley forgetting about her bad back. She elbowed me and told me to get off. A sting of pain rang in my heart. She had a go at me, saying 'I could of dropped my phone and you certainly couldnt afford a new one' she judged me. And she's only known me a month. I could afford it, but thats not the point, she looked at me in disgust, like I was worthless. Another sting of pain. I looked at her boyfriend and asked him 'whats wrong with her?' and he just shrugged his shoulders. I looked at her and apologised loads. And then I knew there was no point in staying there as she was obviously upset so I said bye and she replied with 'whatever' another sting of pain.
I went to work later that day, and came back late. I was thinking about what happened. I felt like an idiot. The times she had been upset I blamed myself. She hurt me, and I apologised for it- I shouldn't have. I realized she shouldn't be treating me like that. She complains how too many people leave her. What she probably doesn't realize is this is why. When she is upset, she takes it out on the people who care about her. She thinks no one cares? Do you need proof that I care? If I didnt care, I wouldnt feel hurt when you treat me like this. I would let it go. But I am hurting, so I do care. I just wanted to cheer you up and make you happy, be there for you when you were upset. I tried, I failed. You still think no one cares, you still think I am the same as everyone else because I left. You still think it's okay to treat people like you do. You still dont realize why people left/leave. Its because you hurt them/keep hurting them.
This morning, I text you asking you what your problem was. Why? because I wanted to know that you actually thought me as a friend, or whether you thought me as a punch bag. Only there to use when you're in a bad mood. I wanted to tell you to please stop treating me like this. and the end result? We're arnt friends anymore. And guess what, you still don't realize that its your doing. I was there, I did care, and I still do care. You're just blind, and disrespectful to peoples feelings. You take poeple for granted and you walked all over me. You judged me about would I can and cant afford when you don't know me that well, and I think its all a plea for attention. I do care, and I'm here if you want to talk or you finally realize I am a good friend, I was always there in the first place and Im not someone you can treat like shit. I am a human being and I have rights. Look at yourself in the mirror, and ask yourself 'why do they leave?' the answer is: you push them away by taking you moods out on them.
So you had a crap week? How about I take you on an aeroplane to Africa, and we can talk to all the African Kids about how their weeks gone. How it's been for them to watch their family and friends die of malaria, how its been to eat nothing but perhaps a small handful of rice for a week, how its been for them to walk miles each day for fresh clean water, how its been for them to know that their life isnt getting any better and how its been for them to know that they are going to die of starvation/cholera/malaria or other diseases and how they wont live the average death rate like it is in the UK. You think you've had a bad week? You have no fucking idea. Atleast they dont complain, at least they look after eachother, and at least they dont take their feelings out on eachother. They work as a team. And they take each days as it comes. They dont treat eachother like nothing. They understand the meaning of 'friendship'.

Welcome to Realisation: Your life isn't that bad.