Recentley, I met a new person. I really like her (in a friend way) I think she's really nice, but she has some problems... I dont mean mentally, because by golly she is so intelligent. But the thing is, I have known her little than a month and in that month I have been hurt by her about 4 times. Times like when we arrange meeting up and then she suddenley changes her mind and goes 'Im not going anymore' and it really really upsets me. I think its me who has done something wrong, but Im not sure because she suddenley say bye and goes. I practically beg her to tell me whats wrong, I even apologise when I havent done anything. It really hurts me inside, and I feel like crying. I dont cry often, it takes a lot to upset me. She constantly tells me how she wants to die. How no one cares. How every one leaves. But she doesnt realize its because she hurts the people who care about her. I can see how they feel now. I asked her what her problem was, and she went mad. No apologies, no reason for taking her bad mood out on me, no nothing. One minute she is fine the next she is moody. The next day she acts like nothing has happened. And I realized I was getting treated wrongly. I felt like a captive, begging for forgivness... why should a friendship be like that? Yesterday, she had another moment where she said she wasnt going to hang around with me. I got really upset, but tried to put it to the back of my mind while I hung out with my other mates. I saw her in town though, and because I knew she was upset I wanted to cheer her up. So I ran and hugged her, compeltley forgetting about her bad back. She elbowed me and told me to get off. A sting of pain rang in my heart. She had a go at me, saying 'I could of dropped my phone and you certainly couldnt afford a new one' she judged me. And she's only known me a month. I could afford it, but thats not the point, she looked at me in disgust, like I was worthless. Another sting of pain. I looked at her boyfriend and asked him 'whats wrong with her?' and he just shrugged his shoulders. I looked at her and apologised loads. And then I knew there was no point in staying there as she was obviously upset so I said bye and she replied with 'whatever' another sting of pain.
I went to work later that day, and came back late. I was thinking about what happened. I felt like an idiot. The times she had been upset I blamed myself. She hurt me, and I apologised for it- I shouldn't have. I realized she shouldn't be treating me like that. She complains how too many people leave her. What she probably doesn't realize is this is why. When she is upset, she takes it out on the people who care about her. She thinks no one cares? Do you need proof that I care? If I didnt care, I wouldnt feel hurt when you treat me like this. I would let it go. But I am hurting, so I do care. I just wanted to cheer you up and make you happy, be there for you when you were upset. I tried, I failed. You still think no one cares, you still think I am the same as everyone else because I left. You still think it's okay to treat people like you do. You still dont realize why people left/leave. Its because you hurt them/keep hurting them.
This morning, I text you asking you what your problem was. Why? because I wanted to know that you actually thought me as a friend, or whether you thought me as a punch bag. Only there to use when you're in a bad mood. I wanted to tell you to please stop treating me like this. and the end result? We're arnt friends anymore. And guess what, you still don't realize that its your doing. I was there, I did care, and I still do care. You're just blind, and disrespectful to peoples feelings. You take poeple for granted and you walked all over me. You judged me about would I can and cant afford when you don't know me that well, and I think its all a plea for attention. I do care, and I'm here if you want to talk or you finally realize I am a good friend, I was always there in the first place and Im not someone you can treat like shit. I am a human being and I have rights. Look at yourself in the mirror, and ask yourself 'why do they leave?' the answer is: you push them away by taking you moods out on them.
So you had a crap week? How about I take you on an aeroplane to Africa, and we can talk to all the African Kids about how their weeks gone. How it's been for them to watch their family and friends die of malaria, how its been to eat nothing but perhaps a small handful of rice for a week, how its been for them to walk miles each day for fresh clean water, how its been for them to know that their life isnt getting any better and how its been for them to know that they are going to die of starvation/cholera/malaria or other diseases and how they wont live the average death rate like it is in the UK. You think you've had a bad week? You have no fucking idea. Atleast they dont complain, at least they look after eachother, and at least they dont take their feelings out on eachother. They work as a team. And they take each days as it comes. They dont treat eachother like nothing. They understand the meaning of 'friendship'.
Welcome to Realisation: Your life isn't that bad.
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